My Fictional Fulfillment of the Icebucket Challenge

We all know about it – the ice bucket challenge raising money and awareness for sufferers of motor neuron disease.

If you’re in the US you can donate here with ALS.

UK readers can donate here through MNDA and here through Just Giving.

You don’t have to donate of course, even if you take the time to just learn a little bit about the disease this whole process is worthwhile. Awareness and education can change the world.

Charity should never be about pressure. It should be about compassion.

I got nominated for the challenge.

I’m not doing it physically. I did it fictionally.

***

“Wait, so let me get this right … you get nominated – look how I’m using air quotations here as I say that word – nominated. By your friends – again, please note the air quotations – to dump a bucket of ice water over your head and give money to charity? Or you forgo the ice bucket, get labelled a wimp, and give more money to charity than you would have to give if you dumped a bucket of water of your head? Oh and you get to nominate your friends [the air quotations are back] to suffer the same ritual humiliation? Right…

And you are encouraged to film all of this, upload it to the internet and have everyone like, comment, retweet and favourite it?

And this is for charity?

So that makes it ok?

Ok cool.

So how about I nominate you for a kick in the balls and you give me money. Or you just give me more money and your balls are safe? How about that?”

***

And such was Drew’s initial reaction to the news of the now fabled ‘Ice Bucket Challenge’. He assumed the fad would pass soon enough and went about with his life.

The fad didn’t pass, Hashtags and trends appear everywhere. It went, as they say, viral. Millions of pounds/dollars/currency of choice were raised for charity. It was a good thing. Right?

***

“Ok, so ALS? What’s that? To the Googles!

Ah Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis! One of the 5 classifications of Motor Neuron Disease. Why did no one mention this? Man it’s a terrible thing to be affected by – either yourself or loved ones, and yeah it’s not one of the ‘Glamour’ diseases that get all the press coverage and funding. Just one whereby people suffer, emotionally, physically and financially, all because finding a cure for their disease, or even improving their quality of life, isn’t deemed ‘financially viable’. Wow well then, I sure am glad people aren’t as sensitive as me and think that goading and peer pressure is a great way to raise money and awareness.

What do you mean it’s not raising awareness? What do you mean people are just dumping buckets of water on their head and not mentioning the charities involved? Well at least we can rely on celebrit…ah some of them aren’t mentioning it either? Some of them are worth more than the amount of money the ‘campaign’ could ever hope to raise? And we think that some may only be doing it for self promotion? Wow well I guess I’m glad that at least they don’t test drugs on animals…

Balls. They do? Apparently? And people are speaking out against this now?

And now they’re speaking out against people doing the challenge?

And now they’re speaking out against other charities jumping onto the bandwagon?

And now they’re speaking out against speaking out?

Everyone has an opinion!

I have opinion. So everyone must.”

***

And such were Drew’s continued thoughts and observations as the crazy phenomenon dropped the ‘z’, doubled up and went full on ‘cray cray’ – as they say. Though at least some of the videos were amusing, especially the ice bucket fails – who knew it could be so hard to do something so simple?

He donated – Benedict Cumberbatch and Anthony Carbajal showing the world how to do an ice bucket challenge video with class, humour and humility.

At least he hadn’t been nominated.

He got nominated.

He got nominated again.

He’s probably getting nominated right now.

Why hasn’t he done it yet?

***

“I was against it from the start. I’m against it now. Goading and peer pressure for charity does not a pleasurable experience make. Then again, I have to acknowledge that I have at least acknowledged that this is all happening right? Lest I face the constant badgering of ‘do it do it do it’.”

***

Drew bought a bucket, a large 28 litre flexibucket – he wanted to do it in style. £5.

Drew realises that full, this bucket would be too heavy and being flexible will probably crush him and kill him – so he bought another bucket, a nice standard industrial bucket. £3.

Drew bought a bag of ice cubes since he doesn’t have any in his freezer. £2.

Before Drew has even done the challenge, he spent £10.

He donated to charity. Total spend £13. Oh no wait, he had already donated before the nomination. £18.

***

And such was Drew’s preparation. With bucket, ice and – thankfully free – water, he proceeded to his shared garden (once he was sure his neighbors were out). He had contemplated much more theatrical ways in which to fulfil his challenge but discounted them all due to time, effort and money – this is only for charity after all.

With the bucket full and icey. The HD camera on the phone rolling, held by his glamorous assistant, Drew began.

***

“So ok yeah here we are. I’m Drew Spencer and this is my ice bucket challenge. First of all I’d like to thank [redacted] and [redacted] for the nominations. In turn I would like to nominate [redacted], [redacted], [redacted] and [redacted] – you have 24 hours to get it done! Anyway erm. Well erm here we go…”

***

Such was Drew’s intro. Standing in a chilly overcast wee Glaswegian shared garden, he bent down, and picked up the bucket – lifting not with the knees, but the back. In one swift motion he dumped the ice water over his head. In his mind, it happened in slow motion.

***

“ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH! WHAT THE! IT IS SO COLD! WHY THE HELL WOULD ANYONE WANT TO DO THIS? Oh crap, I forgot to mention the charity in my intro. Balls. Do I say something afterwards? No I’m going to be too cold, I am running into my shower like a little bitch after this. Man, am I going to get a cold from this? I hope not. I’ve lost money in this venture, I don’t want to have to miss work or spend the next few days sniffling and sneezing. Urgh that would be the worst. Seriously, why didn’t I just say no? Why not just ignore all the nominations. Quietly just go about my life. Not talk to anyone about it. Not complain about it. Not judge it. Not even watch other people do it. Goddamn peer pressure. I hope everyone’s happy. Here I am, on a miserable summers day in Glasgow. It is still summer right? I saw sun yesterday. I think it was sun. Oh there’s some sun behind the cloud there. At least it’s not raining I guess. Wait, if it was raining I could just stand in the rain for charity. It’s the same thing. And free! Damn I wish it was raining. I should have worn a coat. I’m glad I went with this Star Wars t-shirt, black – no chance of sneaky transparent nipples. No not transparent nipples, transparent shirt showing off the nips. No one wants to see them. Or do they? Would I help raise more money if people saw my torso? Or would that make it a sex thing? And seriously, has time slowed down? How big is this bucket? The water just keeps on coming. And goddamn these ice cubes hurt. Oh man, and after this I’m going to have to edit the video, add titles with donation details and upload it to Facebook and Twitter. Is my youtube account even set up? I can’t remember. What’s the password? I think I linked it to my gmail. I don’t know. I’m hungry. I think I’ll have bacon after this. Yeah, bacon would be good. Crap I don’t have bacon. I have to go to the shop and get some. Mmm bacon. Oh wait. Bacon! Animals! Animal testing. Double balls. Does this mean I now support animal testing? No I’m doing this for charity. Wait am I doing this for my own self publicity? No I’m doing this for charity, I’m not even famous. Who am I doing this for?”

***

And so, in a mere instant, it was done. Drew, drenched,instinctively bounced around to try and warm up.

Then he saw.

***

“Wait. Are you? Oh God. You’re holding the phone vertically. Great! Now I have to do it again!

Actually, forget it. I’m not doing it again and I’m not uploading a vertical video onto the internet. I’m going to tell everyone I wimped out.”

***

He donated for a 3rd time. Took a screenshot. Uploaded it to the social medias. Got 2 likes, a Retweet and a favorite.

£28.