Suit Up – An Email to the Office

The office in which I work has a casual dress code. As such, a day was formed last year – a day in which we take a little bit of pride in our appearance. Where other offices have a “Casual Friday” we now have a “Suit Up Friday.”

Now Suit Up Fridays are a very special occasion, we don’t just have them all the time. In fact, we have only had 2 so far. To motivate the office for the 3rd, I sent out this email, an email in the style of everyones Suit-er Hero – Barney Stinson. Enjoy…

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Bros – please – indulge me, a history lesson for you all. And yes ladies, I’m talking to you too. As Article 22 of the ‘Bro Code’ states – ‘There is no law that prohibits a woman from being a Bro.’

Way back in antiquity, human kind was striving forward. It had created fire, the wheel, the printing press. Yet even surrounded by such innovation, the human race went about its daily life with an perpetual feeling of emptiness. Something didn’t quite sit right on the shoulders of our ancestors. In fact, something was missing from those olden-time shoulders.

That was until one night, when a young Barthor J Stinson, a tailor’s apprentice from Luxembourg, had a vision. Whether or not the vision was brought about through the copious amount of whiskey he’d had the night before, or, as he claimed, the angels themselves came to him, singing unto him the secrets of the universe, is a matter or contention and not a discussion that has any place in this history lesson. All that matters is the vision he had – a 3-piece vision of a future where human-kind stood proud and tall, and with one voice, looked down on their gods and said – “I AM MAN.”

The fruition of that vision was but a nights work away.

The night following, when the master tailor had to his bed taken, Barthor crept back down to the workshop and, taking his masters finest threads, went to work. When the gloomy morning dawned, Barthor completed his masterpiece and eagerly slipped it on. As he did, the sun broke through the clouds, bursting into the workshop, illuminating Barthor much as it had illuminated Adam on that very first day in the garden of Eden. This was the real 2nd coming, the greatest coming of mankind…

…that day, my friends, was June 1st 1212…

(Side-note: June 1st 1212 was also the day the words “bro,” “dude” and “awesome” came into being)

Knowing his stuck up master would seek repercussions for his ‘theft’ – in the form of lashings no doubt – Barthor knew his time had come to move on. (Incidentally, had his master been one of those Amazonian-esque women he often saw on the Southside of the river after dark, Barthor might have stayed to face his ‘punishment.’) Leaving his life’s savings in the workshop, Barthor ‘borrowed without knowledge’ a pair of his masters finest leather shoes (for his master was a skilled cobbler too) and tied a length of silk around his neck. Opening the door of the workshop, the birds broke off from their morning chorus, the whole world turned and gasped in awe, the darkness inside them all lifted, the thing that they longed for had been found – the suit was born…

Bros of all kinds, this is why, on June 1st 2000 and 12, 800 years on from that glorious day, we must all get on down with suiting up. Am I right?

I’m right.

I thank you for your time and I hope you all look forward to your ‘necks’ lesson…the history of the tie. Which is why, for your homework assignment, NOVELTY TIES – there will be a show and tell. Due Friday 1st June 2012.

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Being Human

In a slight departure from the usual articles, I have decide to post a poem. It was written over the past week in honour of the season finale of the excellent Being Human on BBC 3. A drama that gets to the core of what it means to be human by focusing on those who aren’t quite human any more. If you haven’t seen it, I can’t recommend it highly enough. 

Being Human

Sentenced to life
Fragile prisons bind their will
The choice of crime quite simple
To give life, or to kill 

Complex souls, free of this world
Understanding them through art
Animalistic in their nature
Yet endlessly divine in heart

But only if they choose so
The choice then, lies within
Survival or redemption
The strongest will shall win

As custodians of their own fate
Which way to turn the key
Such is the way they are
– Being human –
Such is the way they shall be

If you like my writing, be sure to check out my first published collection of poems Love: unrequited, unrealised, unconditional and lost (long title I know!) Available on Amazon in both paperback and Kindle formats.